Dude, That’s a Chick Car!

Mini Cooper

I have a confession to make: I like girl cars. Mini Coopers, Fiat 500s, Toyota Celicas, and the like. I can’t help it. I like pretty things. But a larger question than “what are you, queer?” is to ask “why are these even considered girl cars”? They are seen to be feminine because they don’t look angry. It seems that every car these days is all angry headlights and harsh lines. Every design language is severe and menacing. Even the Miata has fallen to that. Every generation of MX-5 has been very cute and open, but the newest version has the same frowny lines as the rest of the market. To quote the clown prince, “why so serious?”.

2016 Mazda MX-5 Miata

So, what makes a car a “girl car”? Is it a question of drivetrain? The Fiesta ST garners universal praise, yet is still front wheel drive, so that can’t be it. It’s got to be a horsepower thing then, right? Anything under 300 horsepower is just a silly toy, right? Well the Subaru BRZ has 200 horsepower, yet has won basically every driver’s car award there is. So if it’s not power, or drivetrain layout, what is it? What makes my Cooper S a chick car, but not the ST?

Mini Cooper

Of the last three cars I’ve owned, two have been bashed repeatedly as being girl cars. Not just for being front wheel drive, but for their styling. This is not like people hating the Pontiac Aztec, which was styled by a committee of mole people. No, instead they get hate from “real car guys” because they are not aggressive. Because, as men, every single item we use must appear to be fit for Batman. Otherwise people might think we’re a little soft. A little light in the loafers. And we can’t have that.

Every surface must be covered with razor creases, and tight angles. There should be nary a curve in sight. Because we are men, damn it, and we like things violent and aggressive. Every single glance at our cars should inspire terror. Curves are soft and womanly. We don’t want to stare at a woman, we want to get hip deep into a Decepticon. Because we are the biggest badass in the Applebee’s parking lot, and people should respect that.

Mini Cooper

This goes to the mentality here in the Midwest that if you put an emphasis on style, you’re obviously less of a man. I’ll take that criticism. I mean, look at me, I’m a heavily tattooed man with a handlebar mustache. I’m all about style over substance. There was a time where I’d be concerned about that hate. But you know what makes you less of a man than driving a girl car? Giving a shit what strangers think about how you spend your money. Man up. Drive what you like.


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