Apparently it’s a time honored tradition, or something, to make predictions about the coming year based on what happened during the previous year. Seeing as how I once owned a tarot deck, I guess I’m just as qualified as anyone else to make some predictions. So here are some headlines we may or may not see in 2016.
1. Dihydrogen Monoxide Detected In Volkswagen Diesel Emissions
The “Dieselgate” fiasco never ends. The California Air Resources Board discovers dihydrogen monoxide, a deadly corrosive substance, in the emissions of Volkswagen diesel vehicles. This substance has been found to be a major component of acid rain which corrodes and oxidizes numerous metals used in automotive production. It can also be deadly if inhaled, even in small quantities. Thanks to VW diesels emitting dihydrogen monoxide, it will fill our lakes, pollute our ecosystem, and will be found at all levels of the food chain, including humans.
2. Ford Introduces Turbo Boost On EcoBoost Models
Inspired by the short lived remake of Knight Rider, Ford offers a Turbo Boost feature on models equipped with EcoBoost motors. This feature allows such cars to take to the air and leap over obstacles, such as other cars, fences, small children, trains, etc. Turbo Boost will first be available on the Mustang, true to the show, but will eventually make its way across all models. I can’t wait to see a Flex jumping majestically through the air.
3. GM Admits Chevrolet And GMC Trucks Are The Same Damn Thing
In a revelation that stuns the automotive world, GM finally admits that GMC trucks are really nothing but rebadged, rebodied Chevy models after decades of fooling everyone into thinking they are completely different.
4. “S” Stands For “Space”
After a software update making all Tesla Model S cars fully autonomous, a further update allows integration with Elon Musk’s other venture, SpaceX, to enable automatic transportation to the International Space Station. Autonomous re-entry and landing will work after a few failed attempts.
5. NASCAR Goes Back To Basics
Realizing just how boring it is to drive around in circles, NASCAR returns to its roots in bootlegging. Partnering with RallyAmerica, NASCAR ditches the track and instead runs on rally stages, mostly gravel like in the good old days. In addition to competing against the clock, local law enforcement is invited to chase them, providing further motivation to set a fast time.
6. Takata Changes Product Line
After nearly going out of business due to the exploding airbag fiasco, Takata reinvents itself as a small munitions manufacturer. The resulting billions of dollars of military contracts pay off all the fines and lawsuits, as well as make the company more profitable than ever.
7. Top Gear Takes Explosive Turn
After disasterous ratings for the revamped Top Gear, the BBC fires Chris Evans and replaces him with the newly unemployed hosts of Mythbusters. The number of crashes and explosions go through the roof, as do the ratings.
8. Formula 1 Replaces COTA With Rainbow Road
Formula 1 cancels the remaining races scheduled to take place at Circuit of the Americas after the Texas legislature votes to withhold funding. These events are moved to Rainbow Road, despite drivers’ objections over safety considerations such as inadequate guardrails.
9. Scion FR-S/Subaru BRZ Receives No Power Upgrades
This is probably the only one of these predictions that will actually come true.